The answer to both questions is no. Behavioral research now shows that the ego not only is real but is also responsible for two very important jobs. It keeps us alive and gives us a sense of self. Just as we physically grow up, our egos have to grow up as well. When the growing doesn’t happen, the ego unable to cope with life’s contingencies, resorts to detrimental behaviors and emotional mayhem. On the other hand, scientific data solidly indicates that as the ego emotionally matures, spirituality emerges as its natural companion.
Nonetheless, the mythical ego is often viewed as a spiritual culprit. Early on in my clinical practice I was surprised by the number of clients who came to my office confused about feeling depressed after months and even years devoted to one spiritual practice or another. I had naively figured that those who pursued such paths had built in constitutions suited to the task. Even more distressing were those who came after the downfall of a guru. Burned by the aftermath of a leader gone wrong, too often the client’s focus turned to “getting rid of ego.” Reactions of feeling bummed out, disappointed, or angry were considered ego bound and did not pave the way to enlightenment.
This is not to argue with the way in which Eastern philosophies speak about the ego or refer to its demise. This is about what psychological theory and research from the Western perspective have to say about this important facet of our psyche that shows itself from the moment of our births. And the purpose of this blog is to show how solid investment in ego growth can change your life for the better including having loving relationships that support your individuality. Being spiritual is not equivalent to a monk-like sacrificial existence.
It has been a lifelong habit to believe that when things get tough, such as distress in relationships, people’s egos can take over. This can make one feel hopeless. It is relieving to ponder the idea that the ego is not a bad thing that needs to be gotten rid of.
#1 The more you learn about growing up your ego and apply what you know to yourself, the more you will advance in your parenting skills.
#2 Keep reading these blogs to learn more, and of course, as soon as GROW UP YOUR EGO is published get yourself a copy.
#3 The book entitled PARENTING FROM THE INSIDE OUT by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell is also a very good resource.